A Blog of Reason From a Godless Liberal

Obama Calls for "Cash for Corpses"

In editorial, lol, politics, stupid people on August 14, 2009 at 8:51 pm

Program Will Encourage Euthanizing Grandparents

Lansing, Michigan – Speaking at a health care town hall meeting, President Obama revealed what the White House is saying will be a keystone program in the global economic recovery. “Cash for Corpses” as it is called, will pay private citizens up to $5,000 if they can prove they caused the death of a retiree.

“Whether you take them off life support, deny them their medication, or just a good old-fashioned push down the stairs, this is a chance for every American to be part of the solution,” the President said. “Non-contributing Americans (retirees) cost the federal government the more per capita than any other group. Without them, we stand to save trillions.” The program will be administered by special panels set up by the Department of the Economic Agenda Theory and its Human Impact (D.E.A.T.H.). The $5000 comes in the form of a tax credit intended to help what Mr. Obama called, “contributing Americans” buy their own private health insurance.

President Obama also touted the environmental benefits of Cash for Corpses, “Imagine our nation’s roads and highways senior free. There would be no one going dangerously slow, driving in two lanes, making left turns from the right lane, or changing their colostomy bags in traffic. Congestion will drop, meaning less greenhouse gasses.” It is estimated that non-contributors are responsible for up to 97% of all traffic jams, a large source of CO2 emissions.” The President speculated, “The whole sale murder of seniors today, might just save our planet tomorrow.”

Supporters point out other major benefits. “I’ve long been a proponent of harvesting still functioning tissue and organs of the elderly for our own personal use” says Dr. Frank Rosenbom, Chief Research Director at Lansing’s Sparrow Hospital. “If Grandpa has heart problems, but has a perfectly good liver, why let it go to waste on him for another ten years? Under the Cash for Corpses program, we’d be able to harvest that liver and give it to a 30-something recovering alcoholic. And let’s not forget the $5,000 that will be put back into the economy from this. That kind of scratch could be put towards a home, debt, or maybe a really authentic looking birth certificate forgery. I can’t think of any scenario that is more of a win-win than this.”

Critics of the President’s plan say that Cash for Corpses will hurt small business. “What the American people want to know is what the President’s proposal will do to Denny’s, or the used Cadillac market? I don’t even want to think about the millions of American families that are dependent on the adult diaper industry,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH).

When asked how what the government planned to do with all the money it would save the President responded “Reparations, what else? Oh, and I’ve purchased Kenya”

Contributing Editor: Jake Smith

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